How do I write about this? I don’t want to write about this. I don’t want it to be true.
Our darling Tessa, our perfect baby girl has blindness in one eye. I noticed a problem ages ago, that she had differently coloured eyes. I asked the pediatrician at the 6-week checkup, he said it was just a normal variation in colour. The GP thought there was an issue, but said to wait and come back a few months later for a review. The next review there was still a problem. Referral to a pediatric ophthalmologist. Today we had the appointment.
Tess, darling Tess, has a cataract. I could only helplessly watch as the Ophthalmologist went from calm to worried. When he started fussing and muttering to himself. I knew then. He thinks she’s had an eye infection, but he’s not sure. We need to do more tests to find out what kind of infection, or whether it’s an autoimmune disease or something. He thinks she hasn’t got much sight in that eye any longer. He says after we have the tests we’ll have to sit down and work out whether to operate or not. He said she could lose the eye completely if we operate. It’s a case of weighing up some gain of eyesight versus the risk of losing the eye. He said, “A young girl…. it’s not just about sight…”
My baby, my baby. How could this happen? Dear Fate, could you not please take mine? Take an arm or a leg, too, I don’t care. My thoughts are unspeakable. Did I do this? Did my Graves Disease cause this? Could things have been better if she had seen the ophthalmologist earlier? I don’t want to talk about this, I feel a deep sense of shame.
Dearest Tessie. I know you so well. I look into your face for hours a day. All the sleepless nights. All the kissing and cuddling and laughing. I don’t want you to be teased at school. I want you to be the prettiest girl on the block. Of course you will be the smartest. I want to bundle you up and cuddle you for the rest of your life. I want to hold you forever. You are my darling baby.
Filed under: Doctors
My heart aches. I pray it will be an inflamation that is able to clear. Take strength from the love from all of us around the world. May it that surround you.
this is unspeakable, know that even if we can’t find the words you are all in our hearts. we’ll be here for whatever and whenever you need us.
it’s not your fault, never think that it is.
our arms are always around you,
petra
Oh, Sar, I wish I could find the words … but I just wanted to let you that I love you and I’m thinking of you and your baby girl.
She is absolutely perfect and you are a perfect mother. We are sending our love and prayers over the ocean to you – we love you all so much!
I’m just reading this now, and I’m so sorry! You have done and are doing everything precisely right. Don’t beat yourself up over what might have been done in the past–that way madness lies. Tess will be fine–if any girl can face the the difficult road ahead of her, it’s a girl who has a mother like you.
You’ll be in my prayers.
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